so i finally don't have a pile of homework waiting to be done.
i need to let some stuff out.

i wasn't actually planning on sharing my feelings with the whole world (well...with the few people who will accidentally glance over this entry) but i guess my limit is reached and it's time for me to pour out everything.
the stuff i'm about to tell you is very real and very hard for me to share, so please just..don't judge me.

so friday night i found out i got capped from ut.
you see the thing is, ever since high school started, my confidence level reached an all time low (as many of you know) due mainly to my lack of a social life from a totally different and new environment. so when my confidence hit rock bottom, everything else in my life literally fell apart. it wasn't until junior year where my confidence slowly started rising again. but starting fish year, i've always set low expectations for myself so that i wouldn't be disappointed when the result came.

example:
i remember always thinking i would get 40's on my geometry quizzes and when they came out to be 60's i would be like okay, better than i expected. but deep down inside, it was just a pain getting deeper and deeper.

so now that you have a small glimpse of my freshman year, let's jump to senior year. when i started my apps, those freshman year feelings started coming back again. i told myself, "okay, i'm going to get capped from ut" so i thought that if i at least got summered or if i got in, i would have been so proud and grateful. i would have thanked God for his grace and mercy and for always believing in his plan. or on the other hand, if i actually got capped, i wouldn't be too disappointed because i was 'expecting' it.
but with the love and care of my close friends, i was encouraged and determined to think optimistically. i actually started believing in myself, looked over my application and believed that my strong parts definitely could cover up my weaker parts of the application. that new confidence level was genuine..for the first time. it was different. and it felt good.
well when i found out i got capped, it felt like Satan just came up to me, stripped me bare of everything I had, and just couldn't stop laughing at my shame. He just kept laughing.
I ended up sitting outside, crying for some time and I told God to hold me and protect me.

and it was amazing.

You can't believe this until you have felt it yourself, but I was warm and I felt loved. I felt his presence in that cold, windy weather and I know that God wasn't laughing at me, He was smiling and crying with me. and many times i have said, "God, I trust you, I will follow what you have in store for me." but that night was the first time that I truly felt the words, "God, I'm hurting and I'm frustrated, but I love you and I trust you." 
I'm not going to say that night was the transformation of my Christian life or anything, but it was definitely a stepping stone into something so much more real.

Well the next day, i found out that I got accepted into NYU.
my "unreachable, dream school" is what i called it. yeah i know, my confidence is great.

i was more "whatt...?" instead of excited when i got that acceptance postcard.
and the first thing I did was thank God. what else could have got me in?

but when my parents found out about the situation, they weren't excited about paying 50k and sending me off to a city like New York. well let me clarify first, I applied for Steinhardt (School of Culture, Education, and Human Development) because Stern Business school was impossible for me to get into. My plan is to switch into Stern if i can maintain my gpa freshman year..but it's only a plan. i don't know if i'm actually going to go through with it because thinking about that is much much easier than following through with it.

so naturally, my parent's first thought..."why pay 50k for esther to go to a school where she can recieve the same education at a school costing 30k less?"
well i hadn't told them about my Stern Business plan yet, but i'm still praying and thinking really hard about that before I actually tell them...because once I do, that means I'll have to work my ass off. sorry for the language, but "working my butt off" just really doesn't fit the connotation i want.

well i'm still waiting on A&M and trinity, but i dont think those are likely choices anymore.
so as of this moment, it's between NYU and UTSA. yeah, get that. 
when i first talked to most people about this, they said are you crazy? nyu.
i was like 75% NYU and 25% UTSA.
but i had a long 1-hour talk with my cousin in D.C.
let me tell you about my cousin. he went to UT and switched between many majors, he went from business to trying to get into liberal arts (usually it's supposed to be the other way around) and so on. he finally graduated UT and now he's at grad school in D.C. finishing his last year for his law degree where he will soon become a lawyer in new york. he didnt know what he was doing in college, he was lost. but when he actually worked at his future, he became a success. he's one of the most intelligent people i know and his opinion is one that is thorough and one that always keeps my best interest in mind. i'm very close to him and i value his opinion above everyone else except my parents'. 
i had a tear jerking conversation with him and he told me these intense, legit reasons as to why i shouldn't go to NYU....persuading enough so that i begin questioning whether i would actually want to go to my dream school.

my dream was shattered after i talked to him.

i guess my main concern was my pride. i guess it's like yea i'm going to utsa....and im not bashing the school at all (for anyone who goes to utsa and reads this...well i doubt anyone has gotten this far now) but it's just i never ever saw myself going to utsa. i even told myself that if i got capped, i wouldn't leave utsa as an option..i would just go to another school.

but my cousin said, "i know exactly what you're going through, esther. when i was in college, i had to deal with things that hurt my pride too, everyone will at one point. but sometimes you have to take a step back in order to reach the big picture."
i'll never forget those words.

but it hurts. seeing adults at church who always saw me as someone else all of a sudden saying, "michelle and jerry's daughter at utsa? what happened? her brother was smart, what happened to her?"
i know that may sound extreme, but i KNOW at least one, if not more, parent will have that thought cross their mind. i mean come on, it's asians we're talking about.
and i just feel bad that i have to put my parents through such embarrassment because while all the other parents boast about their kids attending rice and getting high scholars at princeton, my parents won't be able to say a word about me. and i know one of a parent's greastest enjoyment is to be able to talk about the success of their kids. i just wish so badly that i could give them something to talk about.

now i'm 0% NYU, 0% UTSA.

but i have to say this...
words from an experienced person to people who will be dealing with this soon, mainly juniors..
find your close friends and hang on to them. they're going to help you through so much. and you will never ever forget all they have sacrificed for you...not because it's their role as your best friend, but because they care. and you do the exact same, if not more, for those friends. not because you want to return the favor, but because you love them. 

you don't need 1000 good friends, 1 or 2 best friends means everything in the world. cherish them. college acceptances/rejections are going to be the hardest time for some people and the greatest time for others, know how to adapt and react for yourself and for the loved ones around you.

and don't ever ever ever leave God's side. only you can do that, because he will NEVER leave yours. doubt Him, yell at Him, question Him, but TRUST HIM. He provides, and if you follow him with your whole heart, your bigger picture will be reached.


thanks to whoever took the time to read this. i'll update ya'll later if i feel like it